


Did you even wash your tears? ‘Cause mine have been dryin’ for days

by YallHearSumn



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: All kids have Tony's surname, Aunt Hope, Aunt Pepper, BAMF James "Rhodey" Rhodes, BAMF Pepper Potts, BAMF Women, Bad words sometimes, But mcu Clint sucks, Chapter 1 is angsty but we have a lot of ground to cover, Clint and Laura Barton's Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fugitives, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Healing, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I saw CW and IW again and now Im mad, I want to give Hawkeye a redemption because comic Hawkeye deserves SO MUCH, I'm trying to make everything neutral but it could come off as that?, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Jamie Stark, Kangaroo Sessions, Kinda, Loyalty, M/M, Malibu, Maria Stark's A+ Parenting, Medical Procedures, My First Work in This Fandom, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, News Media, Not Rogue Avengers friendly, Not Steve Friendly?, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overthinking, POV Natasha Romanov, Parent Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Past Tony Stark/Tiberius Stone, Peter Parker Has a Family, Plans For The Future, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Preemie baby, Pregnancy, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Vision (Marvel), Religious Discussion, Religious Themes, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Siberia, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Steve was hella wrong for not telling Tony, T-shots, TOO MUCH, Thanos IS coming afterall ;), The Defenders will soon join ;), The team were not a family, To Be Edited, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Is Peter Parker's Parent, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Tony WILL get better, Tony and Steve had kids, Tony raises all his kids with gender neutral pronouns and names, Tony was pregnant during Siberia, Tony's biological kids, Tony's journey, Tony-centric, Trans Character, Trans Peter Parker, Trans Tony Stark, Uncle Rhodey, Well - Freeform, Why am I getting into CW discourse 2 years later, and mcu clint barton, at present, except mcu wanda, in a way as well?, mentions of Red Room, more to be added and to come, not really - Freeform, not team Cap friendly, oh yeah, please suggest any other tags, post partum medical problems, shes trying, society, that tag is lowkey insulting, the x-men and fantastic four MIGHT show up, tony is a good father, trying not to character bash because I love everyone, twitter thats why, uhhhhhh I'm probably missing a ton
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-06-24 13:45:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15631890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YallHearSumn/pseuds/YallHearSumn
Summary: Post-CACW. Now though, he just wanted to sleep, to numb himself and sleep until he felt better, even if he didn’t deserve to feel better, not when Rhodey couldn’t walk, might never walk again thanks to him and the baby they hastily took out of him was somewhere in the very hospital he was lying in, fighting for their life.Alternatively, learning to live in the aftermath of tragedy and how Tony Stark surrounds himself with family.





	1. Things Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I've never really liked publishing my work, I guess the only reason this seems to be a good idea right now is because I have STACKS of work to do. I hope you enjoy the read and please suggest any other tags I should add or triggers you find, ff is supposed to be a safe environment where we can all come to unwind after all. so far I can only say the hospital environment and everything that comes with it could be triggering if you've had bad experiences, as well as a preemie baby (they get better though!). My pronouns are anything, so reach out and let's have a chat about anything and everything! If you need someone to talk to or just a listening ear, I'm 100% here. I don't have a beta nor have I proof read but I'll eventually come back and edit, my grammar is horrible and I'll cringe so bad but it's a necessary evil. Also posting to ao3 is weird so I hope nothing shifted or something

Rhodey is worried, as much as he tries to hide it. We’ve known each other for years, and that particular frown meant Tony was the cause of it. What was worse, it was paired with The Stance™ (though a different form of it since he was now in a wheel chair), his hand raised to cover his mouth and his body expanding to appear bigger than it was, as if to comfort him, or more appropriately protect him. 

Rhodey wasn’t the only one worrying and fretting about him, perhaps the least subtle in his actions, more open, more questioning, a silent rage behind the calm demeanour (not angry at Tony, never angry at Tony even though Tony let that happen to him, to his legs) – he had always been that way and at any other time, any other situation, Tony would have been appreciative of it, would have drawn him close and wrapped his arms around him, and Rhodey would have engulfed him and kissed the top of his head like he always did. 

Now though, he just wanted to sleep, to numb himself and sleep until he felt better, even if he didn’t deserve to feel better, not when Rhodey couldn’t walk, might never walk again thanks to him and the baby they hastily took out of him was somewhere in the very hospital he was lying in, fighting for their life. The nurses had told him it was a girl, which led to them sedating him after an incredible laughing fight which immediately led to a crying fit. At 46 years old, you shouldn’t be having kids, let alone preemies, despite having Jamie not 2 years ago, that had been under extreme medical supervision and he had at least known he was pregnant. This baby though, he had already ruined their life, bringing them into a world where their sire had smashed a vibranium shield in his chest and had promptly skipped off into the sunset with their grandmother’s killer. But then again Barnes didn’t kill Howard or Maria, the Winter Soldier did but that didn’t change the fact that every time Tony closed his eyes he saw Barnes’ hands and eyes and body murdering his mom. Boy, he should not be thinking about this right now.

It didn’t seem like he was getting out of here anytime soon, what with the post-partum hemorrhaging that’s been lasting the past two weeks and not to mention the impossibility of surviving without all these dumb machines. He wished by some miracle the world would just quiet down until he felt better, strong enough to deal with it. That the beeping of the machines would just stop (then again that would mean he was dead, but whatever, in a hopefully not-dead kind of way) and that all these doctors and nurses and specialists coming in and out of the room, checking vitals, speaking at him, about him like he wasn’t even a person, would just quiet down and leave, like Steve had. Given, they wouldn’t be leaving him in an abandoned Hydra bunker, but maybe before they left, they could drop one of the heavier machines being rolled around he place on his chest, but leave a way for him to survive and feel every aching second of his body going into distress and shutting down, with no sign of help coming, they could get the feel of it right. God, he definitely shouldn’t be thinking about any of that, the doctors said as much, and he’d rather not have them bring in the shrinks like they’ve been threatening to do. For that he was at least grateful, no one was breathing down his neck to speak about everything that happened, to share and to expose himself bare to the world. Stark men are made of iron, but so were the women, and god help him, his kid would survive. Tiny as she – they, she could decide who she wanted to be just as much as he had – was, the nurses had said the fluid in her lungs were drained and that they were keeping a close eye on her and that someone would be by soon to discuss their options going forward. Soon as he could, he had had the best surgeons and specialists flown in to care for them, strong as they were, they needed help and no matter how much iron ran in your DNA, everyone needs a little help weak heart such as that and fluid in the lungs. The both of them needed to get stronger so that they could be treated in the US, not that he wasn’t thankful to his Siberian carers but the first few days were terrifying, how they had kept him alive was still a mystery, but stealing floor space and resources from the locals, people in dire need of help, wasn’t something that Tony wanted to continue doing, he didn’t need more people suffering because of him. Rhodey and the kid should be the last, they deserved more than him but before they left, before they realised he was no good like everyone else seemed to do, he would make their lives better. Give them what they need and give them a fighting chance. Already, his mind was filled with the blueprints of an exoskeleton that could assist Rhodey, he just needed to find a way to make it work with brainwaves, he wanted it to be and to feel as natural as possible, and Rhodey deserved that at least. Tony would make sure the physio went well and gave him the best chance of walking again, and if he couldn’t he’d at least have something to fall back onto. God, Rhodey falling – he should have caught him, should have unarmed Sam himself to make sure the wings couldn’t be used against them but he didn’t want his teammates (ex-teammates, but was Tony ever a teammate in their eyes?) to feel like he was approaching with hostility. He had just wanted them to listen, but as always, Captain America’s word would always trump Stark’s, I mean he was just playing hero after all and Rogers was righteousness incarnate in everybody’s eyes. If only they knew what happened in that bunker, surely the government would be tripping over their feet to further distance from Rogers and his little band of lap dogs. No more, he didn’t need to think of them and their backstabbing and secrets. He needed to figure out an internal prosthetic, a valid and working substitute for his kid’s weak heart. He might not have done anything to fix his heart but his baby deserved to live, to grow up and be even more amazing than they already were, and if they wanted to do that away from Tony, from his poison and selfishness and ego (honestly, fuck Natasha and Fury and every other rat bastard who had ever used that as ammunition against him), Tony would let them and just be grateful that they were alive and well and safe, like Pete, and Harley, and Jamie are. For now, modern medicine would have to step in and do what they can until they can get a donor or Tony can come up with something, he didn’t want them living in pain, they didn’t deserve that and maybe the odds weren’t so great for them having a transplant so soon, but it was possible. He’d let them heal and grow a bit stronger before he had them moved and once he was back in the lab he could come up with something, maybe Helen would help him out and see if they cradle could be upgraded to help beyond tissue repair, if only for the baby’s sake, and he definitely needed to name them. Can’t be calling the kid kid for the rest of their life.

Pete had chosen his own name when he had started transitioning, and damn if Tony hadn’t heard a more perfect name than Peter Stark, May had been a big help and as a nurse, gave Peter and Tony lessons on safe binding and the number of a good doctor that could help with T-shots (Tony had been happy he could share this journey with Pete and his own experience, despite how horrible it was but being able to say “this body is not my own” was the most freeing thing Tony had experienced in his 18 years of life). Tony hadn’t fully transitioned, had always felt like he was tip-toeing around in his own skin and couldn’t make that decision, not with Howard having a say about it and later Obie, who had said that it wasn’t the right time after his parent’s death (murder) and taking over the company, and then Afghanistan and the arc happened and any type of invasive surgery was off the table for him. When he had started doing better and the therapy had finally started working in his favour he hadn’t gotten the surgeries, not after Steve had mentioned having kids, with that look in his eyes were Tony became the centre of his universe, the natural way, of course. They had tried, and yes, maybe Tony should have done more introspection and taken his own feelings into account before jumping head first and trying to make Rogers happy, but Peter, perfect and healthy and strong, with a heart that beat stronger than anyone else’s Tony had ever heard, was born. He’d stopped getting his T-shots during the pregnancy, and perhaps had never felt worse in is life, what with the media instantly jumping and doing I-told-you-so pieces that Tony Stark had never been a man and that “she” was just confused (whether it was “her” mother’s liberal nature or something picked up at MIT, ”she” was just playing around in men’s clothes), I mean, why else would a real man lay down and take it like that. They had a lot to say about him and Steve was spared the media flogging, after all they didn’t know that Tony and Steve were together because what would anyone say if they knew dear old spangled pants was willingly jumping into bed with Tony. Harley, had been a slip up, but a wonderful one and Tony had just not cared about what anyone had to say, he didn’t care that people were still not using his pronouns or that religious groups were protesting against his company and his products, because surely he was the devil incarnate for choosing to “confuse” his kids like this. Harley had always been, well, Harley and Tony had always left the door open for him to choose (plus Steve named him and Tony should have really kicked his ass for naming his child after a damn motorcycle but he had been heavily sedated then and Steve had been smiling so brilliantly at him, like he was something amazing and important, though that could never be true, definitely not now and of course not before). Jamie had been the perfect gender neutral name honoring the shared name of his and Rogers’ best friends (despite Steve still not quite grasping why they had needed to raise their kids in a gender neutral environment, because a boy was a boy and a girl was a girl, Tony - we’ll just confuse them with all this talk of no gender, and hadn’t that hurt. Rogers had no problem sticking it in any one of Tony’s holes and having him, a man birth his children but seemed to share that same attitude Howard had until Pete had come to them at dinner and said that he was a boy. Steve had had a little pinched smile and had excused himself, naturally Pete had taken that as rejection and had burst into tears and it had taken Tony hours to calm him down and get him to bed. After making sure all the kids were okay and in bed, he had found Steve in their bedroom with a laptop open and a frown between his brows. Tony knew (hoped) that Steve’s reaction was just one of shock and he hadn’t meant anything by it, but he was damn well going to apologise to Peter for hurting him, even if unintentionally. “I just- it doesn’t make any sense to me, Tony. You know how I was raised and back then, the only men dressing in women’s clothes were comedians or actors. J is getting me up to speed with understanding all of this though, and I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner, I should have done more to understand you and how you felt, I know it’s been tough on you but I swear, I’ve never seen you as anything but a man, and I’ll do right by him,” he had rushed out with that kicked look he got when he didn’t do right by one of the kids (in his mind, because the kids definitely worshipped the ground he walked on, yes he was Captain America, but he was also Pops, the guy who tucked them in at night and told them he loved them every chance he got). Steve was nothing but supportive of Peter’s choice and had taken him for his first T-shot so that he could understand what his son was going through and what procedures he’d need. The amount of NDAs signed throughout Ton’s life, especially following his first pregnancy, was laughable but necessary, neither of them wanted to put a bigger target on their heads by proclaiming to the world, hey, Captain America has three bastard children through an unholy union with Tony Stark, of all people, because having super soldier DNA was definitely a beacon for any super-secret evil people with lairs in remote locations and big shiny machines that make you talk, and even now the lawyers were ensuring the hospital’s silence. How did thinking of baby names go down this rabbit role and end with him thinking of Steve, again. Rogers didn’t deserve to even be a split-second thought, it would take time, but one day Tony would burn any and all memory of him out of his head.

Rhodey is still quiet and searching him with his eyes, a calming presence for his not-so-great thoughts. Apparently Mama Rhodes had wanted to come out here but her doctor had advised her against flying, and hey, what about Roberta? It was a strong name and names had power after all, and all he wanted was for her to be strong, and to survive (and in some small part of him, a Rhodes instead of a Rogers). Perhaps Roberta wasn’t gender neutral but they could always have it changed, Roberta Rhodes was strong and fierce, hard where Maria was soft and just as loving as she was. Pepper and Hope were the perfect mix of the two of them and Tony thanked every deity for the amazing women in his life. Perhaps something to honour them all, or maybe saying fuck it and naming them after Happy or Jarvis or Anna. Peggy was too painful to think of, because with thoughts of her came thoughts of Steve and maybe he shouldn’t have taken a man, who in another life would have been his godfather and married to his aunt, for a life partner. 

And there they were again, thoughts of Steve (that rat bastard). 

James Rhodes had never believed in distracting Tony from his problems, he always believed in taking them head on and dealing with them so that they couldn’t come back to bite either of them in the ass (in the bad way, Tony had always purred). Looking at Tony now though, body beaten and broken, with a million and one machines attached to his body keeping him alive, and no way of knowing what happened (he could guess, Vision brought the arm and the shield back after getting Tony to the hospital and thoughts of Rogers hadn’t been met with anything but rage and the need to go out there and find him, legs or no legs, and make him hurt so that he felt even a smidgen of what Tony must be feeling – and boy did he feel better thinking about the legs than he did a week ago, his therapist would be proud), Rhodey wanted nothing more than to make him feel better, to take away that pained look in his eye and the scrunch in his nose that meant he was over thinking everything and probably finding ways to blame himself for everything that had happened. Not for the first time, Jim wished he could help Tony, take some of the burden and worries off his shoulders, and spare him this world of pain that the last few weeks, years, had turned into. The baby would survive, she was Tony’s after all, and Jim willed it so. Losing the baby would just be another thing to destroy Tony, and the man was suffering through Atlas’ burden already. 

He had gone to see her and she was just as beat up as her dad, the sight of all those tubes and machines broke his heart beyond explanation, and, with the nurses giving him the go ahead to hold her (she was tiny), he had teared up looking at the oxygen mask covering half her face. She hadn’t been given the best lot in life, but come hell or high water, she would make it, stubborn as she was. His father’s ring had slipped around her wrist like the bangles Ms Jones had always worn to church, clanging in tune with the band to send praises and hallelujahs to heaven. Rhodey had never known if he had ever truly believed in God, had spent years running from him and hiding from him - he had thought if he didn’t pray, didn’t say his name, God would simply not have been able to find him, that he would be safe from the all-seeing eye in the sky that wiped out all of humanity for disobedience and had men almost killing their sons to prove their loyalty. But, in that moment cradling the little one closer to his chest, taking calmer breathes to help her heart beat match his, and he should really stop calling them her, Tony would slap him with his research papers of the benefits of gender neutral terms and how they positively affect kids in later life, he can’t help but send a tiny silent prayer upwards, to whoever was listening, whoever would help, to help them through this and make them better. He had had several holy men come by to pray for them, the Imam leaving him with an “Inshaallah the baby will grow strong in body and heart, just wait, Allah helps all” and James had been holding onto those words for days now. Thankfully, they had been getting better, their everyday chats during the Kangaroo sessions made her weak heart a little stronger as the days passed and her lungs had been drained with success. This would be the perfect time for Thor to come back from wherever he had disappeared to, and give them a birthing blessing as he had done with Jamie’s birth. Deities and aliens, this little one already had him wrapped around their finger and praying to anyone for help, but he knew they would make it and grow to be tough, a Rhodes in everything but name (and genetics) through and through. They had been eager to enter the world but now had to regain their strength to face another day.

Both Tony and the baby needed to rest and heal. If it meant Rhodey had to step up and deal with everything else, the questions from Ross and the media as to where Tony was, and how the actual hell Rogers had broken his band of misfits out of the Raft (Tony didn’t know about that one yet and Jim would keep it that way for as long as he could, all news stations were barred from being played on the television in the corner and Tony had been too out of it to protest), he would. Vision had taken the kids to Malibu, along with Barton’s wife Laura and their kids (how he had ended up with a saint like that was beyond Rhodes) to keep them safe and away from anyone getting bright ideas to strike with all the confusion going on. Pete and Harley might be missing school for a while but Jim had made sure to explain the situation and have them do the work online. His family would heal, and whether that took months or years, he would be the wall that they could count on to keep them safe and sheltered from the world.


	2. some promises outlast vows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later, Natasha looks for the _human _who disappeared behind her masks.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm horrible for taking so long to update this, I know!! :'( Please forgive me and enjoy a change of POV. Progress has happened and we touch base with the Rouges. TAGS UPDATED. Check out END NOTES for POSSIBLE TRIGGERS.

It took six months, three days and several hours to stabilise Tony and the baby, to a point where they could be transported between hospitals. Once Stark had been stabilised in Siberia, after several emergency surgeries just to keep him alive, and the doctors were sure flying wouldn’t further deter his health, he had been flown to Helen Cho’s new facility in South Korea, supposedly for further treatment, according to her source. The baby had gone with, and so had Rhodes, who hadn’t left Tony’s bedside since arriving in Siberia months ago.

Tony had sustained more than internal trauma and superficial scars and scratches, his already weak heart and damaged sternum had taken the brunt of the damage Steve had done with the shield, with other organs and faculties failing and becoming more damaged in the time he was out in the cold. Not to mention the post-op trauma after having an emergency C-section done in the waiting room of a rural Siberian town’s local clinic.  
The number of times the word ‘trauma’ had been used to describe some part of Tony’s injuries nauseated her, and the visuals his file provided were some of the worst things Natasha had seen in her long life. One had been trapped in her mind for days now though, keeping her out of sleep and making eating anything more than a few spoonfuls of soup and rice impossible: a torso-length picture had been taken by one doctor or the other, Tony’s body exposed, bruised a horrible shade of blue with large cuts and stitches littering him from collarbone to the underside of his belly. 

The largest gashes lay horizontal across his sternum, the scars from the arc reactor all but unrecognizable thanks to the inflamed skin stretched across Tony’s chest, and she couldn’t explain it, but it was obvious there was no bone left in his concaved chest cavity, an exoskeleton somehow miraculously holding everything together. His nipples had been patched, although no breast tissue remained and a fresh horizontal pink scar twinkled morbidly below his navel. 

Tony had been her friend, a man who loved her and took her in despite what she had done to him in the past, and all she had wanted to do was control him - first for S.H.I.E.L.D., then for Steve, and supposedly always for everyone’s own good. Tony was volatile, a ticking time bomb waiting to go off, he’d mess up somehow, it didn’t matter how or when, but it was inevitable, was what she had told herself and pandered to the rest of the team. He can’t be trusted to make decisions by himself, it’s best for _everyone, _including himself, to keep him on a tight leash. After all, who knew what years of untreated trauma could do to someone.__

____

****

She had used his desperation for acceptance to keep him in check, _like a beaten dog, _she had kept him obedient and on his toes by looming the threat of the team shutting him out above his head and keeping him at arm’s length as he jumped through hoops to get their attention. She would strategically plan team dinners and movie nights around Tony’s schedule, making sure not to tell him or invite him, but have him walk in on them anyway, as a reminder that he didn’t really fit their puzzle, that he would have to keep shaving parts of himself off to fit in, that _he _had to constantly change himself to be a part of their team.  
____ ___She had used his kids and his partner, his abusive childhood at the hands of his father, anything to keep him in line. She had sat by as Tony was ridiculed and torn into the by the team, had even joined in, in the wake of Ultron and had turned a blind eye when Maximoff had been assaulting his dreams for months, despite knowing Tony had nightmares all on his own, had had some bad shit haunting him even before Afghanistan – likely things his father had done _to _him, or maybe it had something to do with the whispers of what really happened between a thirteen-year-old Tony and fifteen-year-old Tiberius Stone, then hailed a ‘match made in heaven’, at that boarding school.___ _ _

**___ _ **

___She didn’t think about his feelings, or the effect that had on his mental health, or how he and his children had become too terrified to even stay in the tower._ _ _

**___ _ **

___She hadn’t thought much about Steve talking down on him either, or how sometimes he handled him with a rougher hand than necessary or harsh words, because it was _Stark. _____ _

**___ _ **

____A collapsed and bruised lung, heart failure after suffering a series of heart attacks, severe nerve damage in several areas of the chest cavity, minor trauma to the oesophagus, significant damage to breast tissue, the list seemed to be unending.  
__ _ _ ___(“There wasn’t much to save,” the cardiologist who had been on standby in Tony’s O.R. had said to her after a few drinks, unaware of who he was talking to. “They had to take both tits, but hey, that’s what ‘he’ had wanted wasn’t it? That’s why I always say ‘Be careful what you wish for!’” the burly man had laughed, had made all of this sound like Tony’s just punishment for whatever slight he supposedly committed just by being. “Humans weren’t meant to mess around with what God made, you try to play God and he punishes you tenfold for it. You’ll get what you want, sure, but not how you wanted it – Old Testament for you! I saw pictures of him before he did all that stuff to himself you now, beautiful woman - I could see why the Captain would want her - and then ‘he’ had to go and mess that up. Now who would want _him? _And having all those kids? It’s no wonder the good Captain ran off with that other guy.”)___ _ _

___ _

___The surgeon had kept on laughing, had thought Tony’s pain and trauma was so damn funny, some cautionary tale for the ages – don’t be yourself lest thou wants the wrath of God upon them. Doctors having to cut away parts of him to keep him alive while he laid in a comatose state was somehow just, a price paid to someone’s selfish God to pay for some imagined debt he owed. Natasha briefly wonders who vetoed him joining the medical team, because there was sure to be more people who thought like him caring for Tony, happily taking his money while sneering in disgust behind closed doors (and wow, the _irony _there, she and the team didn’t even bother to badmouth him behind his back).___ _ _

___ _

___Natasha still took his eye for that, had left him bleeding out in the unforgiving cold – she knew there were all sorts of wild animals around this time of year. You hit the right spots, and no visible signs of force would even show up in an autopsy, or simply look accidental - there were many ways to make deaths look like accidents (like The Winter Soldier had made the Stark deaths look accidental, she thinks grimly)._ _ _

___ _

___She had been doing recon for the media-coined “Rogue Avengers” following the so-called Civil War; Steve wanted to get back home as soon as possible and had somehow convinced himself that Tony would welcome them back (preferably on his knees begging for their forgiveness and spouting out how wrong _he _was), that what they had done would just be forgiven and forgotten. But she had read people all her life, had scoped out the terrain and knew they wouldn’t be going home anytime soon - not without being shackled and thrown in some high-level security prison or the other – and it wouldn’t be like they didn’t deserve it.___ _ _

___ _

___ _

___But then Tony had disappeared, no known sighting of him in weeks and the Avengers who remained had all mostly fallen off the map – Rhodes had been spotted in Malibu with the kids, which wouldn’t have been considered weird except that the man himself had just sustained life-changing injuries, and that it was the middle of the school year – Stark may choose to disappear to lick his wounds but he wouldn’t ever do anything drastic that would affect his children’s lives unless it was absolutely necessary. Vision had gone off the map too and the Spiderman (still somehow so _familiar _) that had fought with them on Tony’s team had not been heard from or seen since.___ _ _

___ _

___Potts had eventually made a media announcement – Tony was being treated in some St. Petersburg hospital after sustaining “life-threatening” injuries in Siberia and being transferred for treatment. She had condemned the actions of the ‘Rogue Avengers’ on behalf of SI and had made it clear neither Tony or any of his affiliations were supporting them in any way and that more information would be made available as it came._ _ _

___ _

___Ross had been arrested in the following weeks, a case orchestrated by Rhodes and the lawyers Tony had been working with behind the scenes since the Accords crossed his desk – Walters, she believed? Or maybe it was the guys down in Hell’s Kitchen, Tony had been making a few trips down there in the time since Ultron. Steve had enjoyed Ross’s downfall, had went on and on about how what they did was right, how the accords were inherently evil and would have fucked them over because Ross was tied to it, and that Tony had fallen into Ross’ trap and how even those on Tony’s side of the “war” had realised it, but the Black Widow couldn’t help but feel like it was a spit in the face, whether it was in Tony’s or all the other people that had gotten hurt because of them. Steve refused to acknowledge what had happened in Siberia, had maintained he did what “he had to do” and that he hadn’t hurt Tony like _that. _“Tony was crazy, unhinged, he had _tried to kill Bucky,” _was what he had told them, all righteous indignation. Barnes had just silently sat by, eyes averted, which told Natasha all she needed to know, but before she could corner the brunet and get the truth though out of him, Barnes had chosen to go back into cryo._____ _ _

___ _

____Natasha had realised two things then, 1) Steve was completely off the rails and whatever had happened in Siberia had burned all their bridges down and Steve hadn’t just been the one to torch them, he had taken a sledge hammer to its very foundation and 2) the one she should have been reeling in all this time was Steve.__  
Even now, months later, the super soldier was still buying into his own delusions, along with the rest of the team; she couldn’t even recognise who Clint had become these days, bitterness and hatred consuming his mind. Steve rarely mentioned his children, the children he had left without a word and betrayed within the blink of an eye, or expressed fear for Tony surviving, convinced it was just some media ploy to garner sympathy and to get them arrested – he hadn’t even reacted to the little girl Potts had announced was born to Tony, _months too early and with minimal chance of survival, _other than the initial surprise and grief that had filled his eyes when they first saw the announcement.  
Steve had just stared at the television unblinking, and in a second he was gone. No one knew where he went or what he did, but Steve didn’t come back until hours later, jaw set and looking more hopeful and determined.__

___ _

___Maximoff, as expected, was delighting in Tony’s bad fortune and misery, claiming it was finally his time to answer for his crimes - she had become increasingly unhinged the more the world condemned what they did, and was staunchly buying into Steve’s assurances that in time they would be welcomed back, that the world would realise it’s mistake. Natasha wants to go back in time and kick herself for letting this _delusional child _onto the team without any control. They had let her run loose, had never made her face the consequences of her actions, and now, Natasha wonders when she’ll really snap and _they _become her target. She had vouched for Wanda because it was another convenient thing to keep Tony in line, having a reminder of what his weapons did, what they created; he would have been obedient for a very long time, but she hadn’t anticipated that he would leave the compound altogether._____ _ _

___ _

___It hadn’t taken the Black Widow long to realise that she couldn’t stand to be around them for too long, their long list of fantasies and delusions, and self-righteous attitudes infuriated her more than she thought it would, and once T’Challa had retracted his welcome, fed up with Maximoff and Clint’s damage to the lodge they were staying in in Wakanda, she had breathed a sigh of relief. Out in the world they had to survive, her mind could focus on the one thing so deeply ingrained into her. Tony had questioned whether she never stopped being a spy, but in truth, Natasha had never stopped trying to survive – in the end, she was a survivor above all else. She had taken Clint and sniffed out old S.H.I.E.L.D. safe houses, hoping time away from the group would settle him a bit. They made sure to stay under the radar and kept the more incensed members of their team inside and away from public places, gathering materials to help hide their identities. She had been quick to offer to do recon, claiming to want to read the terrain but in all honesty, she had needed to know if Tony was okay, if he and his little girl would survive._ _ _

___ _

___It was easy to get men talking, and figuring out who was in the medical team assigned to Stark was made easier by S.I. had releasing their names. From there on, it was child’s play to track down a technician willing to talk. Besides Tony’s chart and disclosing his surgeries, the surgeon had spilled on how the Siberian doctors first tasked with stabilising Stark, who the Vision had brought in after finding him bleeding out in the bunker, had picked up on unusual readings in Stark’s vitals midway through suturing his wounds and getting the blood to stop. Blood work was done and the pregnancy had been found out, but how could they have missed it anyway? How could Vision have missed it? By the time they had realised Tony was pregnant, he had already begun to miscarry, whatever little fight his body had left had turned to focus on keeping him alive and saw the foetus as a danger, a malevolent entity eating away at his life. An emergency C-section had been performed at just 26 weeks, and both the baby and Stark were being monitored and operated on for the past six months. The doctors had written that she wouldn’t catch up to being a healthy baby until she was at least three years old. According to the surgeon, she had been born with her heart outside her body, already weak and with undeveloped lungs – it would take a _miracle _for her to survive and survive she did. She was Tony’s after all.  
Natasha had turned to prayer, to wishing that that little baby survived, that another innocent victim caught in the crossfire of their bad decisions didn’t have to suffer at their hands. She had reached out to T’Challa, to have him extend his help to Rhodes, who she knew was Tony’s power of attorney. Though he gave her no answer, she had been relieved to see reports of Wakandan doctors joining Tony and the baby’s medical teams.___ _ _

___ _

___She didn’t deserve the relief, this she knew; she had abandoned Tony when he needed her most, had attacked him when he was weak, when his back was left unguarded. She had been part of the team that almost orphaned his boys and almost got his baby girl killed before she could even live, while their father remained aloof and maintained that Tony deserved it, and that everything he did was out of necessity – that in the end, they would _understand _why he had to take such drastic actions.___ _ _

___ _

___In all Natasha’s years, she’s seen many downfalls, and she can positively say it stops being special the third time around. All her life she had been surrounded by great and terrible people alike and had learned that the bigger ones always fell the hardest.  
Steve was no different - he was falling hard, and fast at that, and Tony wasn’t going to be there to bring him back. She’ll admit that she had bought into the whole ‘Captain America’ thing too, she had followed Steve because some part of her believed everything he did _had _to be right, and in trying to correct her wrongs, her ledger had grown even more red. Playing favourites had never really worked out for her anyway, getting biases and feelings involved always steered her off the road, off her path.___ _ _

___ _

___Steve had led them down a path and didn’t know how to bring them back, had hurt her friends in trying to prove he was right, and she had done the same. Now it was up to her to make things right, it was time for Natasha to leave the masks behind, to atone for what she had done. She had made promises, to herself, and to others, and it was time for her to keep them, let people say Natasha Romanoff was loyal and had loved. That she was _human, _before spy, before double crosser and every other nasty word she had earned throughout the years.___ _ _

___ _

___The Red Room had always known she was weak to love, and now she had no reason to hide it; the time for playing cards close to her chest was over._ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the read, please let me of tags I should add! POSSIBLE TRIGGERS: there's mentions of both implied abuse by Howard and Tiberius, nothing graphic or descriptive, just a line. Mentions of heavy manipulation and gaslighting by Natasha and the rest of the team, and the possibility of infant death (IT DOESNT HAPPEN). What do you guys think Steve went out and did? Its very similar to the movie. Also, DESCRIPTIONS OF INJURIES/SURGERIES. They're listed but not described!!
> 
> P.S. I'm editing this week, I promise!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope ya liked it, a kudos and comment would make my day, but just you reading this has BASS BOOSTED my self-confidence to 100. Any and anything I need to fix or tag, Blease let me know. Tony being trans is important to his story and part of his journey, as you might have picked up he's still going through and dealing with a lot and there's a lot he needs to still figure out. BTW Trans Peter is valid


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